stormy--'s Diaryland Diary


The Day it almost reach 90 degrees.


It feels like almost 90 degrees is a little too hot for May - even the end of May. Not that I'm complaining - much. It's this humidity that's killin' me. It's like I'm melting by simply breathing in and out.

But even with these high temps I got some yard work done. Early this morning when it was still in the mid 70's, I tackled my backyard. It seems like every year I get a mountain of leaves in my backyard that pile up against the back of my house. They accumulate over the winter. And every year I marvel at just how many there are. After all, I don't own any trees. I have bushes and even two leafy bushes. But none of my bushes produce those huge oak and sycamore tree leaves. It took me several hours, a lot of sweat, and ten tightly packed lawn refuse bags but my backyard is now leaf free! Woo-hoo!! I wish I could high five someone. But that probably goes against the 6 feet social distancing rule, so I'll just clap my hands together and high five myself.

Being active helped me get out of this funk that I've been feeling lost in these past few days. Nothing like checking something off my To-Do list to make this girl happy. But the sad part is that even though today was a really good day, I know that the worry, anxiety, and those hated panic attacks are hovering in the background just waiting for me to let my guard down. It's like they're waiting for something - or nothing - to happen and then, BAM! Full fledged meltdown mode.

You know, I'm not sure which I hate most, the anxiety or the panic attacks. One of my panic attacks can last me anywhere from 20 to 45 or so minutes. After which, I'm a teary and gasping mess but I'm also feeling blissfully numb. At least for a little while. But the anxiety sometimes just builds and builds and builds. It could slowly build for a day or even a week before my body just ... does what it needs to do to shut it down. It's like a slow torture that I know my mind creates for itself. I just don't know how to stop it from doing it.

This is something I've dealt with pretty much my whole life. The first time I can remember being overwhelmed by anxiety, I was only in the third grade. From there things just got worse. My first panic attack happened when I was in college. They too became more and more frequent. I handled them as best as I could, and then grad school happened. An intense course load coupled with my work and family pressure and it was "the perfect storm" (who remembers that movie??). It's like my brain would simply shut off. I was there without really being there for several agonizing minutes (agonizing for the scared people around me). Thank goodness those moments are few and far in between.

Wow. I have have shared a lot more than I had planned on sharing today. Who knew I was going to go into all of that about my mental health issues? Certainly not me. I'm not ashamed of it (I used to be. My issues were definitely top secret!!) but it feels kind of weird writing them out so blatantly for anyone to read them. I might have to sit on this for a bit and see how comfortable I am with all of this being out there in the world in such vivid black and white. And maybe I'll do a bit of editing later on.

But for now I'm going to munch on a handful of peanut M&Ms. Yes! My store finally got restocked! I made a pick up order the other day and was so pleased I was finally able to satisfy my craving.

Don't judge me, but I bought the $10 party pack. You know, the huge bag that can be found in the candy aisle? I wasn't going to but then I thought, "Screw it," and I added it to my cart. And that thing is huge! I don't know why anyone (besides me) who would buy such a bag. I'm sure places of business could use it to fill candy dishes and such. But, unwrapped communal candy??! Even without this pandemic I would say, "Eww!" (Think: Urine Mints [bonus points if you can name the tv show that phrase came from]).

All I know is I have enough M&Ms to last me ... oh, I don't know... 2 days or so. Just kidding. It'll be more like 4.


7:26 p.m. - 2020-05-25


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